Last night i taught my first yoga class. For the first time in my life i hardly had any fear about such an undertaking. Being the focal point in a crowd of people has always terrified me. I can rememeber in high school giving speaches and feeling my guts twist themsleves in anxiety waiting my turn. I remember in college my mind going blank during a presentation becasue my only thought was....what are "they" thinking of me? I hope its this....i hope its that....now what was i saying? I forgot what to say...oh no, now they think i am uninteligent or weak. I have always been afraid of appearing weak (weak is not the word really but its close enough). Yet for some reason inspite of these nagging thoughts i have pushed myself to confront this fear. I think its what we are all doing. I have this nagging suspicion that everyone is in a mental struggle between fear and love. Every second that we are concious in this physical reality, we are choosing between negative and positive...fear and love.
I realized last night that others are just a reflection of my thoughts about myself. I smiled at them...they smiled back...i said encouraging words during class they said encouraging words after class. I gave my time to be physically present in the gym...they gave their time to be physically present in the gym. What i gave them, they gave it back to me. We created a flow of energy. I was not afraid to be in their gaze...to be exposed...to be looked at intimately without my knowledge (i did have two brief moments of fear jolts but they were pushed on through and not allowed to stop in my mind to rest) because i was not judging myself or my words. I was speaking what i felt, what i believe, and what i want for myself in this existence. I was only sharing what i hold dear to me. I didnt judge me harshly so they didnt judge me harshly. i am sure everyone had an opinion on my presentation style, fluency with yoga, methods, music choice...etc, but i chose all those things for myself. I could never adapt to the variety of opnions others have about me and for me....there are just to many and on too wide of a spectrum. So i have to hand select the Way i want to live with only my needs and desires in mind. I give that to myself. I am learning to give that to those around me. They irony is by doing so others are free to do the same. Judgement dies. We create a scene of openess and love towards one another. Jesus only had two commands, "Love the Lord your God with all your strength, and Love your neighbor as yourself"! We begin to love ourselves when we realize were the ones being so critical of ourself. Then, conciously, we choose to look on oursleves with compassion, kindness, and forgiveness. We let our minds be free to move, free to fail, free to learn, free to succeed, free to climb, free to fall. Once we are convinced there is no punishment we begin to create and shape our reality. Its all so terribly intertwined because we are ONE.
