what is really going on?

What is really going on? Nothing. The longer i live the more this theme reoccurs.

What am i doing here? Existing. This isnt terrribly difficult to do.

What is the truth? Everything. It all depend what eyes we use to look at something with.

Sometimes i get lost in my world. The one i created.

The world where i adopted others rules, other peoples measurements.

I am afraid most of the time in this world.

Everything is sharp and jagged.

I feel pain from mere words.

I fight to keep my position.

I am replaced no matter what.

Then i wake up!

I was in a dream! Dreaming

A dream i mistook as my only option.

Its all fantasy.

We create our reality with our thoughts.

We breath life into our dreams.

We light up fast and burn down slow.

open your eyes,

you might miss the flame

Keep'm closed, trust me

It all plays out the same

Crums feed me from the big table,

they keep me

i drink what others spill

I cant give you what you already have,

you'll know when you've had your fill.

I've just been robbed

I was robbed yesterday. I went to look for something in my friends van and noticed tons of stuff missing. There were clothes missing, a backpack, shoes, and who knows what else. It was just gone. I played the game. My mind went to all the places it thought it was supposed to go....anger, fear, hurt, vengence, insecurity....and on and on. After about 30 minutes of playing the game....i stopped....i calmed down....put things into perspective and had control once again on my emotions accepting the fact that those things were gone. I used all my jet eye training to overcome my monkey mind. I was back at peace.

So Andy and I began to theorize just how someone could get into a locked van....so he goes to the back door and opens it up and says, "They probably went thru here, but wait there is all this stuff in the way". Well that stuff ended up being the "stuff" that i thought was missing. It was there the whole time. My little sister had moved it so she could play in the van. All my fears were self inflicted. Then we realized that even if the stuff would have really been gone my fears were still self inflicted. No matter what the circumstance...i still had a choice about how i wanted to feel about something. This world is not messed up, our lives are not problematic, we create all the energy behind circumstance, which in turn affects our peace.

Our greatest obstacle is conditioned responses that are programed into our brain. We react certian ways to things because we learned to do so. Awareness helps us see alternatives and gives us the insight to choose differently.

Nothing is missing! Go back to what is already there and rest!!

Day 18

Well my mediation practice has hit a few road blocks. I haven't sat down and practiced in 3 days now. Things i think convince me to not sit down: 1) i have more important things to do, 2) I don't have time, 3) its boring, 4) i am not getting anywhere, 5) It doesn't have any impact on my day. If i was paying attention i would see that these are the things everyone faces....there is a pattern of lies here.

I know all these things to be untrue, yet they really do influence my mood towards meditation. These and other conditioned responses are very present in my life. Sometimes i have enough awareness to talk back to these ideas, other times i just give in. And actually meditation is a practice that increases awareness to help recognize the negative thoughts. Meditation strengthens us to keep us from getting swept away by these lies. So today i shall get back on the "awareness horse" and see what happens :-)

When you become aware that your mind has wandered....Return to what is already there and rest!!!!