Honestly i just want to be honest!!!

I have been exploring the world of honesty lately and i have found it to be quite a challenge. For the first time in my life i am seeing exactly how dishonest i am with friends and others. I have noticed i generally tend to make every effort to avoid conflict in my relationships. I imagine what i think would cause conflict and i avoid that instead of diplomatically expressing what i truly feel. This doesnt occur in everything, just in the areas i am insecure. Being honest doesnt mean i have to be an asshole with expressing my true feelings, but i usually feel like one because i may rub against the grain of the other person. Some where in my conditioning by society i learned to value what people thought of me, in fact, i go to great lengths to try and control how people percieve me. I do certian things to get them to respond in a way that causes me to feel the most valuable (really its my cultures definition of value). Funny thing is i can never control every opnion all of the time. I don't think this observation is anything negative about myself...i dont view it as a problem...it has its consequences like all things but i see a better way for me personally to operate. Honesty!!! Honesty brings about the things we truly desire and gives an accurate picture of our mind to other people. People can only respond to the infomation we give them, unless they are slightly enlightened and read through the bullshit. I am watching all this happen to me. I am aware that i tend to be dishonest with myself in order to gain the approval of others. I am watching this burn away! I can see it dying. My goal is to be slightly more honest. The true challenge is being honest with myself and being aware of when i go to my conditioning for guidence instead of just being me. This blog is honest today. It feels awkward to express all of this so rawly in a public forum. I have been taught to hide all this. Dont let people know you think this way...you look weak!!! (Again, one more bit of conditioning a fear based society has helped me agree to) Well the only way to get strong is recogonize your weak and begin to train, but this isnt a weakness its awareness!!

New Beginnings are Old Endings

I was laid off yesterday from my BP Oil Spill job. Instead of being disappointed or frantic; i was very relieved. For a full 2 months now Josh and I have sweated it out in the scoarching Gulf Coast sun. We worked hard sometimes and other times we worked hard at not being bored. I have witnessed babies being born, birthdays, drownings, hangovers, firings, and all other manner of drama you could imagine. This job has taught me a great deal about the human ego, our desire to control each other, our quest for power...thinking money equals power. And i guess it does equal power if that is how you decide to set up the rules and values in your dream. Through out the course of this job, i did get swept into the money race or power race, but i am finding its easier to slip out now. I am slowly getting the relationship between what i "think" and what i "do" and then how i "feel". They are all directly attached to one another. I am very thankful for having experienced the entirety of this job; the seemingly "good" and the seemingly "bad". I learned patience, i learned to be flexible when things change (and things always change). This job was life fast forwarded. Change came up like a thunderstorm....little warning and fast. It caught me off guard often. And then other times i just sought shelter in my mind and waited it out. Then i realize i created the thunderstorm...change was just neutral information that had nothing to do with me until "I" decided what it had to do with me! ha ha And this is my new hobbie...getting better at recognizing that i am the one putting all the feeling and emotions in my life. I am beginning to see my creations and shaping them....fun and freeing.

Hurry up and wait

I forget to breath sometimes. I forget that things change. I forget that i will die one day. I am like a baby. I feel like i am starting all over in life. I am learning how to apply new philosophies. I am making tons of mistakes and loving it. I fail to meet my own standards sometimes, but then i am reminded that they are my standards. I can hold myself accountable how ever i wish. I am learning to create the inside of my mind. I am reclaiming lost territory. It was never really lost i just didnt believe i owned it. I am learning to be patient. There is no hurry!!!!

Humans are containers for food

Since i have been here at the beach, food has taken a new priority in my life. I find myself thinking about it more often than usual. Maybe its because i am red lining on my starving meter by the time i get home from work, but more than likely its because i am cooking for myself instead of momma's home cooking. Either way, food is on my mind. This new preoccupation of mine has inspired me to look for new reciepies. I have been recieving daily cullinary lessons from my friends at work. Billy the Kid, a supervisor, is a crock pot expert. I am actually cooking a Billy dish tonight...sweet potatoes and pork tender loin. He also gave me this ''mango tango salmon'' recipe that will forever be one of my favorite dishes.

Food is so vital. Food represents so much to us human or any animal for that matter. We truly are what we eat. We are what we drink. We are what we read. We are what we speak. We are what we think!!!! That last one, i feel, is the most true out of all those. Our minds are a virtual world that we create. We , knowingly or unknowingly, are shaping every aspect of our lives. We are artists painting the picture that we want to see. Do you like your picture? No? Change it. Yes? Share it.

Oil Spill

So i find myself on another adventure! Josh and i decided to head south to Gulf Shores, Alabama to work on the BP oil spill. We are offically a month into our job and loving it. Its such a crazy scene here. BP has hired private contractors to clean up the oil that is gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I work for one of those contractors. We work 7 days a week 12 hours a day. I have never in my life attempted to work that much. As a result, i have a little cash now. The job pays great and keeps me so busy i cant spend any money!! I was recently made a supervisor over a small crew of about 30 men and women. All i can say is, its not easy to lead people yet there are things that make it way easier.

I have learned the ego is a huge factor when trying to motivate someone. There is a sense of insecurity already there just because you hold a position "higher" than your employees. There is resentment, there is jealousy, there is fear, and each one of those "problems" needs to be addressed with humility as a leader. I have learned so much from this position.

I am not sure what i will do next. We have talked about going to mexico, south florida, but really anywhere on this planet is ok with me. Its all an adventure.

Pleasure, Pain, and all things in between

Andy, Ryan, and i completed our fourth annual "Awareness Walk" from Montevallo to Birmingham yesterday. I think we figured it is about 45 miles in all. Today i feel every one of those miles in my legs. I must admit we started out slow and apprehensive; getting up at 4:30 is a challenge but as the day progressed we gathered momentum. We even ran the last few miles (paying for that one though). In total it took us somewhere in the neighborhood of 16 hours.
This is the first trip we were intentional about doccumenting. We took turns with the video and pictures, but andy for sure carried the lions share of the work.
This trip was probably the best so far. We spent a good bit of time speaking to people. One thing we did was to ask people random questions, nothing serious, just random questions. We got some great answers!! We drank beer under bridges, we invented stories about people we saw on political signs (April Weaver), we went to three differnt Publix to get food and wine, we swam naked in a lake by the mall, we all got blisters, we got drunk under Vulcan, we found some cool trash (panties, cd's, swim goggles, gloves). We got hollared at several times. Someone called us "hippy fags" others said "you guys are soooooo cool". We all hit a wall of pain and kept pushing till the end. We encouraged one another. We lived a full day doing exactly what we wanted!!!!! We lived a full day!!! We lived!!!
We forget how simple life can be, how beautiful the details are, and how there is no pressure on us except what we create! I look back on this trip and i feel a sense of accomplishment. I can see how the power of intention (not expectation) can bring about the amazing things we each desire. I think i am going to go rest my blisters now!!!

These last two dollars...i'm not gonna lose!!

Well I am writting this blury eyed having just got back from an all night casino trip in mississippi at Silver Star Resort. Woah!! It was a surreal experience from the moment i stepped on to the bus in piggly wiggly parking lot. Our bus driver was Curtis...a thick black man with a gold front tooth that liked to let the ash on his cigarette get 4 inches long before flicking it...i kept thinking it was gonna land in his coffee. I was sitting in the back of the bus with my pops and soon we began to have a reverse Rosa Parks moment. As we started picking people up i noticed a certian trend happening...it was all black women between 50-60 getting on. I started imagening myself in a Tyler Perry movie. We killed the 3 hour ride by getting drunk off New Castle and Tangueray gin. This heavy set black lady just handed me the bottle and said " Get u sum baby"! I was buzzing hard core when we got there.
The Choctaw Indian reservation in Philidelphia mississippi changed my life (I guess anything can change your life if you are paying attention to how it affects you). We got there and started playing our 45 dollars of "free money". Pretty much lost it in about thirty minutes. I never understood what the machine was doing. Pops hits the roulette table and Tom and I head to the black jack table. I wiggled in between a black dude that looked like he was on meth and an italian dude making some big bets. I handed the lady a fifty and she handed me the equivilent in $5 chips. I was on my way. Things were going well... at one point my stack was about 8 inches tall but i dont know how much money that was cause Tom said dont count your money at the table....you'll get apprehensive. Well things shifted quickly....the dealer began taking my money...i almost suggested that she start taking bites out of my arm instead of the $10 minimum i was tossing out each time. Seems like that would have hurt less. The rest of the night continued in that pattern for me. I made it home with no loss of blood but my bank account is gonna need a transfusion.
Observations:
over half the staff was indian (and over weight)
the majority of the people there looked desperate
the majority of the people were over 50
i associate myself with my money...it really felt like i lost value as i lost money
dont get drunk then gamble--gamble....win....then get drunk
dont bring a debit card
leave expectation at home