Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Honestly i just want to be honest!!!

I have been exploring the world of honesty lately and i have found it to be quite a challenge. For the first time in my life i am seeing exactly how dishonest i am with friends and others. I have noticed i generally tend to make every effort to avoid conflict in my relationships. I imagine what i think would cause conflict and i avoid that instead of diplomatically expressing what i truly feel. This doesnt occur in everything, just in the areas i am insecure. Being honest doesnt mean i have to be an asshole with expressing my true feelings, but i usually feel like one because i may rub against the grain of the other person. Some where in my conditioning by society i learned to value what people thought of me, in fact, i go to great lengths to try and control how people percieve me. I do certian things to get them to respond in a way that causes me to feel the most valuable (really its my cultures definition of value). Funny thing is i can never control every opnion all of the time. I don't think this observation is anything negative about myself...i dont view it as a has its consequences like all things but i see a better way for me personally to operate. Honesty!!! Honesty brings about the things we truly desire and gives an accurate picture of our mind to other people. People can only respond to the infomation we give them, unless they are slightly enlightened and read through the bullshit. I am watching all this happen to me. I am aware that i tend to be dishonest with myself in order to gain the approval of others. I am watching this burn away! I can see it dying. My goal is to be slightly more honest. The true challenge is being honest with myself and being aware of when i go to my conditioning for guidence instead of just being me. This blog is honest today. It feels awkward to express all of this so rawly in a public forum. I have been taught to hide all this. Dont let people know you think this look weak!!! (Again, one more bit of conditioning a fear based society has helped me agree to) Well the only way to get strong is recogonize your weak and begin to train, but this isnt a weakness its awareness!!

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