Quiet Mind

Two weeks ago I began an unofficial study on meditation. Armed with a really cool book from Books a Million and plenty of free time; i started down a new road for me. I set out to find a quiet mind. What i have found so far is a loud mind full of fear. I have found a mind that is conditioned to react to life wildly and blindly. I have found a mind who is insecure; constantly bringing every experience back to his self worth. This is the undisciplined yet highly fertile mind i have been observing. I have been trying to do so non-judgementally with some degree of success. Although at first glance all these things sound negative, i have found that i have an overall sense of peace about it all. I don't associate myself with my mind. My worth does not come from thinking. My worth is a constant that has remained the same and will remain the same for as long as i am in this skin suit. Through observation i am waking up! I am waking up to the fact that i am the one who is determining how i feel about life, what something means to me, what success means, what i am responsible for in life, and ultimately what my purpose is as a human. With this awareness comes peace and power. More than anything it gives me the power to change things i don't like or enjoy...things that i have been conditioned to think that are out of my control. And in some cases its only my perspective that needs to change in order to find peace in a situation.

I am excited to see what other observations i discover through meditation. I plan to document things as they come.

Why am i here?

Why am i here? Humans are the only animal who consider this a valid question. I think other animals just know. Lately it has been a question i have tried to ponder for my own life. I feel like i already know the answer to this question but i haven't began to understand it until now. Why am i here?....To be!!!! Sounds simple but it clicked for me reciently. My purpose for being on this earth is.... to be on this earth. As of right now i cannot see any exterior reason or aspiration that can give meaning to my life. My life is meaningful because i exist. This sounds simple and feels obvious but the implications i think are lost on people. We hear this and maybe agree, but we rush right back to defining our value with achievement, stuff, relationships and because all those things pass in and out of our hands we stay on the undulant path of discontentment. "Change" is constantly affecting those aspects of our lives. Our value rises and falls like the stock market.

How does this apply to daily life? When we feel purpose is a constant and not something to chase after, life stops being problematic. We are fulfilled entering into the things we love not scratching and scraping for validation. Its kind of like the idea of a dog chasing his tail. Its already his, always been with him, once he realizes its going to be there; he is free to pursue other things. Our minds are conditioned to feel we must seek out a reason for being here. We must have a higher purpose, something that compels us to greater heights. Do we really need that? And if so what could possibly give that to you? Some have suggested God, sex, money, drugs, family and countless other promising formulas, but nothing can give us what we already have...Purpose is!!

Death Proof

I am back home after my two month stay in Orange Beach, Alabama and it was a wild ride getting here. I left Friday afternoon at 3:00pm because i was waiting to pick up my last check. I was a bit anxious for having to leave so late. I like to get going if i know i have a long way to travel, but i chose to wait on the check. My day was filled with reminiscing over our time in the beach condo and all the experiences we had discovered there. I went for a walk to the mega-towers to work out and i played the mandolin. Eventually 3 rolled around and i picked up my check. Things are looking good and i finally make it Interstate 65. The golden road that would lead me home. Well the golden road proved too much for my right rear tire so he decided he was done supporting the van. I hobbled over to the shoulder and began delicate surgery on the beast. I panicked for the first 30 minutes running negative scenarios through my mind. Then i began to talk back to the thoughts. I soon discovered that all my tire changing equipment was less than adequate. I called 911. They didn't mind my tiny emergency and hooked me up with a local policeman. He came...did his best...but still couldn't get the tire changed safely. Finally we called the professional tire changer guy and he worked his magic. Done! $80 later!! It was well worth it though. I made it home around 12am, exhausted, but glad to be greeted by my beautiful family.

Honestly i just want to be honest!!!

I have been exploring the world of honesty lately and i have found it to be quite a challenge. For the first time in my life i am seeing exactly how dishonest i am with friends and others. I have noticed i generally tend to make every effort to avoid conflict in my relationships. I imagine what i think would cause conflict and i avoid that instead of diplomatically expressing what i truly feel. This doesnt occur in everything, just in the areas i am insecure. Being honest doesnt mean i have to be an asshole with expressing my true feelings, but i usually feel like one because i may rub against the grain of the other person. Some where in my conditioning by society i learned to value what people thought of me, in fact, i go to great lengths to try and control how people percieve me. I do certian things to get them to respond in a way that causes me to feel the most valuable (really its my cultures definition of value). Funny thing is i can never control every opnion all of the time. I don't think this observation is anything negative about myself...i dont view it as a problem...it has its consequences like all things but i see a better way for me personally to operate. Honesty!!! Honesty brings about the things we truly desire and gives an accurate picture of our mind to other people. People can only respond to the infomation we give them, unless they are slightly enlightened and read through the bullshit. I am watching all this happen to me. I am aware that i tend to be dishonest with myself in order to gain the approval of others. I am watching this burn away! I can see it dying. My goal is to be slightly more honest. The true challenge is being honest with myself and being aware of when i go to my conditioning for guidence instead of just being me. This blog is honest today. It feels awkward to express all of this so rawly in a public forum. I have been taught to hide all this. Dont let people know you think this way...you look weak!!! (Again, one more bit of conditioning a fear based society has helped me agree to) Well the only way to get strong is recogonize your weak and begin to train, but this isnt a weakness its awareness!!

New Beginnings are Old Endings

I was laid off yesterday from my BP Oil Spill job. Instead of being disappointed or frantic; i was very relieved. For a full 2 months now Josh and I have sweated it out in the scoarching Gulf Coast sun. We worked hard sometimes and other times we worked hard at not being bored. I have witnessed babies being born, birthdays, drownings, hangovers, firings, and all other manner of drama you could imagine. This job has taught me a great deal about the human ego, our desire to control each other, our quest for power...thinking money equals power. And i guess it does equal power if that is how you decide to set up the rules and values in your dream. Through out the course of this job, i did get swept into the money race or power race, but i am finding its easier to slip out now. I am slowly getting the relationship between what i "think" and what i "do" and then how i "feel". They are all directly attached to one another. I am very thankful for having experienced the entirety of this job; the seemingly "good" and the seemingly "bad". I learned patience, i learned to be flexible when things change (and things always change). This job was life fast forwarded. Change came up like a thunderstorm....little warning and fast. It caught me off guard often. And then other times i just sought shelter in my mind and waited it out. Then i realize i created the thunderstorm...change was just neutral information that had nothing to do with me until "I" decided what it had to do with me! ha ha And this is my new hobbie...getting better at recognizing that i am the one putting all the feeling and emotions in my life. I am beginning to see my creations and shaping them....fun and freeing.