Thoughts on Control

Today on my eternal quest with peace i stumbled on an idea that i haven't spent a lot of time with. I noticed here lately i have had a spike in anxiety and overall discontent with life. It has been mild but definately a shift. Okay sound the alarm...time to ask the questions that get to the heart of this. So i went down the list and discovered that i have really been on a control rampage. There are a few situtions that i have been mulling over and over in an attempt to bring about the outcome i desire...the outcome most favorable to me....the outcome that gives me value and purpose. My first error is assuming that i need a paticular outcome to give me worth and my second is the illusion that i could control it anyway (this is not to say dont set goals...goals are okay...attachment to the outcome of those goals is where the problems begin). So i took a little walk with Mr. Control and we chatted. I realized he is not the bad guy i made him out to be. I assumed that if i eliminated my desire to control life or circumstances then that would solve my anxiety issuse, so i imagined doing that. In my mind, "i let go of everything". To my suprise i felt better but then i realized i didnt let go of control though. I was still controling my anxiety by taking control of my inability to control. I took charge by not taking charge. I know that is strange to think about...very paradoxal. And maybe its not so much about letting go of control as much as it is letting go of outcome....it is easy to mix the two up, because we think we are "controling" things in order to bring about a specific outcome. So we get frustrated when all our efforts dont bring it about. Honestly i dont think we can escape our desire for control, but we can decide not to attachment ourselves to outcome.

Little girl and the cookie jar experiment part 2

We can obviously see how our brains might do this given this experiment with the little girls. However we are largely unaware that we do this same thing about 100 times a day. The sad thing is we hold resentment toward others when they conflict with the way we see things. It really comes down to judging others based on information they do not have or judging others based on information we think they have. An example: being frustrated with someone when they aren't excited about the things we are excited about, thinking when someone offends us that the person knew they offend us, being angry when we think we are ignored.
Taking offense and being angry with people seems quite silly to me when we apply this information. We are holding people to something they are completely clueless about, but even if they are fully aware we don't know their interpretation of the same information. Crazy!!! Not so much crazy as it is useful to living in peace in our own mind. This gives us the potential to never be offended again. To never be in conflict with another person in our own personal world. How many world views are there? Let me see....how many people are there?....that is the answer!!!

Little girl and the cookie jar experiment

I am reading an interesting book...called "Stumbling on Happiness". A lot of the information in the book is not new for me as much as it is from a new perspective. It has a very scientific feel!!! The book is trying to answer one central question...Why is it so difficult to accurately predict future happiness? We often find ourselves in the exact spot we imagined but without the feeling of happiness we imagined or a lesser degree than we imagined. To answer this question the author takes an indepth look at how our brains work or dont work when it comes to imagining the future. He explains the difficulty with abstract things like happiness. Happiness is highly subjective. It all depends on our interpertation, our interpertation, depends on our experiences and our experiences are as varied as lotto numbers. Not to mention we operate in a closed environment. What i mean by that is that my brain, my experiences, my imagination, my everything inside my head is closed off to everyone elses heads. I have been toying around with this idea for a while now in my own way. In my opnion this is the single greatest source of conflict among humans. We assume everyone sees the world the way we do!!! There is conflict when people dont see it my way and there is harmony when they do (but that only occurs in my mind) The unfairness is that others cannot know fully what i see in my world, and vise versa. By unfair i mean i cannot hold anyone to my world if they are unaware and i should not be held to someone elses either(again this is how i see it).
The book offers this simple example to illustrate the point (children are great guine pigs because they are so new to life). The experiment is with two little girls, both playing with toys in a room. There is a jar of cookies in the room. One of the little girls is taken out of the room. While she is away, the psycologist takes a cookie from the jar and hides it in the drawer. The little girl is brought back into the room. The girl that was in the room the whole time is asked does the other little girl know where the cookie is? She replied yes. She believed the other little girl had the same information she had dispite having not been in the room when the cookie transaction took place.
........to be continued

Eating leftovers!!!

I just wrote a facebook message about eating the leftover values of others as opposed to taking the time to find out what it is we like to eat. What makes me happy?? Not, what have i been told will make me happy?
It is a little more difficult to establish your own value system and truely own it.... because you invested time and effort into cultivating it. I look back on my life and see i lacked the knowledge and courage to do such a thing and without those two buddies its hard to move into any sort of change. Ohhhh, but when you find knowledge and courage nothing is impossible (to coin a phrase from the bible).
For me these concepts are not new...i have brought about lots of change in my life as a result of pursuing knowledge...yet my conditioning has veins that run so deep they touch my animal instinct. When things hit you at a primal level all you can do is weather it out....train the mind more...increase intensity...embrace the burn (sounds like a gym workout). Really the thought that calms me more than anything is knowing its all going to turn out fine...it already is fine. Eternity erases everything!!! So scribble on those wall..."make a mess".... clean up the mess... do it all three times again. Its all alright!!!

who is watching you?? part 2

Selfish can easily be redefined to mean "we are our first priority". I think when we come at it from this angle we can see the benifits to embracing our state of "selfishness". For one, when we realize peoples actions against us have nothing to do with us...we are more apt to forgive...maybe investigate into what that person is dealing with. We are less concerned with others opnions. When they are judging us...it isnt us they are judging...it is themselves. Their judgements are based on how we affect them. Or they are superimposing themselves into our situation and using their values or filters to judge the situation. Once we are free from the good opnion of others we are able to be the self we want to be. We are more apt to put our physical, emotional health first, better equipping us to help others. The list goes on....we establish boundries so others dont invade the holy places in our minds, our yes's and no's are stronger, we are more sincere because we cut out the concept of obligation to others.
Daily, on some level, this concept comes into play...especially with relationships. My conditioning is strong but i am learning to be more selfish. haha

who is watching you?? Part 1

I am slowly learning no one is watching me. I am the only one who is concerned about what i do or dont do. And if anyone else is concerned about what i do or dont do; it is only in relation to how it will affect them. We live in bubbles. Its not by choice, it is by definition. We cant get outside ourself (i am still considering this idea though). It is impossible to find a motivation higher than self. Even the most "unselfish" motivation has at its roots us. We will always be the foundation because we are always with ourselves. Whether it is a feeling we desire, an outcome, social praise, physical preservation, sense of right/wrong....we are the ultimate benificary of the action. Sure others will possibly benifit (feeding the homeless, building schools in africa, adopting a baby monkey) but in the end we satisified ourself. I have always assumed or been conditioned to thinking that selfless acts were better than selfish acts...i now think they are one in the same. Even when i read the word selfish i have negative associations, but what are we really saying when we call someone selfish? You are so so selfish. In other words, i do not like your actions because you put yourself before me (or others, but we consider ourself an other)!!!!! Who is selfish in this scenario? We are ego driven and 100% of the time selfish. Hence the human drama.

....to be continued.

The writing on the wall

Here we go again. After a brief sabbatical i am ready to write again! My motivation stems from a project i have started on the walls of my room. I have decided to cover the entire room with writing. Whenever my mind is full i simply get out my pen and begin to write on the wall. i started at the top left corner of the wall. The sentences span about 3 feet before i start a new line. The letters are large but not much larger than college rule lines. The walls are off white with black ink. Its overwhelming to look at; now that i have covered a good portion of one wall. Sometimes i back away from the wall and stare at the writing without being able to read the words (it is impossible to not read a word if your looking at it in your language). It becomes a painting of sorts. The sentences become art. I quickly noticed how they are not perfectly straight. The sentences flow! I mean this literally and figuratively. As far as content goes...i write mostly about myself...understanding myself...sorting through thoughts. Some thoughts are highly negative and some are highly positive but the thing i enjoy most is tracing their origin. Why do i think this way? Where did i get this idea? Do i want to keep it? A common theme i have noticed in my life is an increase of awareness that i empower things. I determine what something means to me! Life affects me in a neutral way until i assign some sort of value to the events. The way i assign value to things is affected by about a million factors...upbringing, self-esteem, race, nationality, what happened to me in 5th grade, etc. By taking a daily journey into the Mind of Trent i have benifited greatly. I have signicantly increased my ability ease my mind when it goes off in random directions of fear and anxiety. Awareness is the key understanding the Why!! Awareness is the first step to empowering yourself!!

This is my new project. It keeps me sharp.