Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thoughts on Control
Today on my eternal quest with peace i stumbled on an idea that i haven't spent a lot of time with. I noticed here lately i have had a spike in anxiety and overall discontent with life. It has been mild but definately a shift. Okay sound the alarm...time to ask the questions that get to the heart of this. So i went down the list and discovered that i have really been on a control rampage. There are a few situtions that i have been mulling over and over in an attempt to bring about the outcome i desire...the outcome most favorable to me....the outcome that gives me value and purpose. My first error is assuming that i need a paticular outcome to give me worth and my second is the illusion that i could control it anyway (this is not to say dont set goals...goals are okay...attachment to the outcome of those goals is where the problems begin). So i took a little walk with Mr. Control and we chatted. I realized he is not the bad guy i made him out to be. I assumed that if i eliminated my desire to control life or circumstances then that would solve my anxiety issuse, so i imagined doing that. In my mind, "i let go of everything". To my suprise i felt better but then i realized i didnt let go of control though. I was still controling my anxiety by taking control of my inability to control. I took charge by not taking charge. I know that is strange to think about...very paradoxal. And maybe its not so much about letting go of control as much as it is letting go of outcome....it is easy to mix the two up, because we think we are "controling" things in order to bring about a specific outcome. So we get frustrated when all our efforts dont bring it about. Honestly i dont think we can escape our desire for control, but we can decide not to attachment ourselves to outcome.