Two

I have been here before. I have walked the road of the mystery of being. Each time the panic is less. However, i still must confront and even embrace these feelings. My mind is so jumbled up with different views on how life is supposed to go. I am in the process of converting my value system and the overlap can be almost unbearable at times. Its like there are two world views competing in my mind for dominance. One view i learned without any effort on my part....its the one we are all given...its the one based off of ego and fear. The other view has cost me a great deal of time and energy to discover. It is based off of awareness. When i release myself to this view my mind is at peace because i recognize the impermanence of Trent, i see that my emotions are controlled by me, i see that the external world does not determine my happiness, i self-sooth, i know i am a part of the whole and i embrace the IS. My mortality gives me courage not anxiety. I travel in and out of these views. I must admit the first view sees more action day to day. The transformation is slow sometimes. Old ideas are strong, they have had way more time to take root and build a place for themselves. I am doing my best. This blog is an aide in helping me convert. There is great power in honesty. There is freedom in exposure. When i hide my feelings i do so at my own expense. I can only shape my world if i am honest with those around me and that can only happen if i am honest with myself.

My Hand

Mystery! The Mystery of Being. What more are we but a collection of emotions, beliefs, fears, thoughts, instincts, bodies....we imagine ourselves as something great. Each person imagines his/her life as important, significant, serious, crucial to the advancement of society. Are we crucial? How can something be "great" if everything is great.

The pressure that threatens to explode in our minds every time we face new circumstances is controlled by a valve that our hand rests on. We create our reality. We could easily turn the valve (challenge our mental patterns) and allow the "problem" to flow smoothly through our lives, but we are not aware that we possess that authority. We have been taught otherwise. We have constructed a complex set of rules that tells us how the valve should be operated. Everyone has different rules. Some are governed by tradition, tragedy, abuse, religion, family, society, or a blend of them all.

The only way to know what will happen it to slightly turn the valve one day.

Different angles on common shapes

I listened as the wall clock ticked seconds away or maybe was adding them to my humble existence. They seemed to fall like Nazi bombs on London. Blitzkrieg!! I only assume this because i have been educated to think of death as the end. Maybe its just a starting point. What if there is no start or finish. What if the horses hooves never cease and they keep running around the track?

She said, "I am never fond of holidays".

I heard what she really said, "My family stresses me out".

The hairs on the back of my neck started to sway. I could read her mind. I felt every dull ache of insufficiency that roamed aimlessly in her cerebral city. Her city ranked number 4 in the universe of places not to visit while holding a loaded gun. The rats there were as large as beavers but with the attitude of a momma dragon. I closed the door.

I spent the night playing in the grass, watching the scenes change rapidly so i wouldn't get bored. Boredom is cheap, but it doesn't know when to be quiet. It finally lost its voice so i set sail for far off destinations. Only to awake without my socks. The morning brought with it a chill in the air. The front glass door was foggy and i could barely see the street. I guess it thought it could hide the fact it was cold out.

I began to type.

Clear as mud

Human communication is a complex code of masking what we really want to say with what we feel is proper to say. We are afraid of being offensive or hurtful but ultimately our deception leads to both. We also prolong bringing about the reality we desire because we are consumed with hiding our true concerns or observations.

What would life look like if people could express freely how they feel? I have been attempting this in spite of nagging fear and one idea that keeps reoccuring is....when i am honest with others they are able to address situations knowing the truth about how i feel instead of basing their decisions off of the false information i feed them. Our main insight into a persons mind is through what they say. If i am saying the opposite of what i feel then people are going to respond to that, not my true feelings. This is a vital concept when it comes to creating the reality we desire.

My only disclaimer in being honest with others is to check personal feelings for judgement, anger, fear, worry...because those words will come across as an attack and the other person will become defensive. Take a moment to allow kindness to envelop your tone and intent and it will be recieved much easier even if the subject matter is intense. Start small!

More

"Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy." - Lao Tzu-

Contentment is not a highly esteemed virtue in the world around me. I am afraid to be content. I don't have much experience with it and i fear i am missing out on pleasures unknown when i choose to stop chasing after the "next".
I constantly hear a voice inside my head that says "more"!! "If you want happiness you must find more...more of everything." However, i am learning that lasting happiness is found the opposite way. It is recognizing that all external influences are processed and given value internally. We are essentially defining happiness with our beliefs. We define our entire world by what we believe. Lasting happiness isn't found its created!! I notice i am most discontent when i look outside of myself for happiness or when i attempt to peer too far into the future. The farther i get away from the "now" the greater my discontent. I become frantic but not even sure why. Then i slow down, i sit for a minute with the frantic feeling, i try to trace it to its origin and usually end up at the same places....either i borrowed others ideas on happiness, i expected it to come from outside of me, or i got lost in the future. By no means is this the origin entirely... this is usually how far back i need to go to realize i can change my feelings. I no longer feel like i have to just live with feelings i don't enjoy. Its up to me to create the ones i prefer.

Communication

Learning how to effectively communicate with other humans is a challenge we all face. I am realizing that i can use less words if i use those words correctly and honestly. Generally we fear telling others how we feel about them or situations, we fear their response, we fear how it will affect the relationship, we fear embarrassment, we fear rejection, we fear insult, we fear being wrong, we fear being alone, we fear social isolation; these are the titles, but the details of these fears are complex and unique to each person. Imagine human communication without dishonesty, without embellishments, without sarcasm, without ego, without fear. I think this type of communication is possible at the cost of losing the ego. It takes time alone with ones mind to confront the fears that generate the dishonesty. The truth comes out first to ourselves and this gives us the courage to be honest. We are a fear driven society. I would guess most of our communication is based off of fear, everything else is. Part of the fear is animal instinct and the other part is learned from our care givers at an early age. For many people fear is never questioned, it is processed and given the tragic title... "the way life is supposed to be". The motivations for fear have deep roots in our makeup as humans; to trace it back would take you all the way to a one celled organism (which may give understanding). Its been with us for a while and actually allowed us to make it to where we are today, but fear has its limits. Evolution is carrying us towards increased awareness. It is allowing us to move into a new consciousness, one that is in harmony with existence. One that embraces the IS.
Imagine communication (or life for that matter) without fear....no drama. Fear creates drama, drama is what we talk about 99.9% of the time..... the world may go mostly silent. We would discuss things without judgement, we would be in harmony with each other; almost telepathic. No identification with ego. Where are you from? Earth!!!

Things Change

Life seems so compartmentalized. I segment my life into neat little worlds that i think are so organized and understandable and then out of no where worlds blend and make new worlds and then those worlds have babies and make even newer ones....to the point it all becomes one world. And then i come full circle to an idea that i am trying to structure my life around...its just ONE. We are infinitely connected to everything.

We are not separate at all. Our feeling of separation comes from our fear. Our fear is fueled by the ego and vice versa.

At work recently our grill stopped working. The strange thing is how that one event brought about so much change. The whole kitchen shifted because of the grill deciding not to work. The microwave traded places with the blinder, the blinder invaded the espresso grinders' spot, the knives claimed new territory in the name of King Sharpness, and now everyone has a new home. And the story isn't over. The kitchen will continue to shift until there isn't a kitchen anymore, but even then the "movement" wont stop; it just keeps going. And where do i fit in to all this? I will experience constant change until i no longer have the faculties to percieve change (until i die). We would be wise to see that change IS.

Do you ever think about how much we talk? I know my character Trent Jones fairly well. He is a talker. I get exhausted listening to him sometimes. I have started encouraging him to write more instead of chatter so much. We will see how it works out.

Humans in general talk a lot. I think its because things inside their head are moving around so fast that talking is a sort of release. I think we choose talking as a release because its easy and convenient, but there are so many more interesting alternatives....writing, walking, meditating, art, music. Sometimes i am so conditioned to view those things in a certain way or give preference to talking that i miss what others are trying to express. Have you ever heard the song by John Lennon "Imagine"? He was trying to expresss something very important that would contribute to our happiness. i have listened to that song a thousand times and only yesterday heard it for the first time. He is trying to get us to see that we don't have to compete, we are all one, we all want the same things, we are the ones creating our reality. Amazing insight!