I have been here before. I have walked the road of the mystery of being. Each time the panic is less. However, i still must confront and even embrace these feelings. My mind is so jumbled up with different views on how life is supposed to go. I am in the process of converting my value system and the overlap can be almost unbearable at times. Its like there are two world views competing in my mind for dominance. One view i learned without any effort on my part....its the one we are all given...its the one based off of ego and fear. The other view has cost me a great deal of time and energy to discover. It is based off of awareness. When i release myself to this view my mind is at peace because i recognize the impermanence of Trent, i see that my emotions are controlled by me, i see that the external world does not determine my happiness, i self-sooth, i know i am a part of the whole and i embrace the IS. My mortality gives me courage not anxiety. I travel in and out of these views. I must admit the first view sees more action day to day. The transformation is slow sometimes. Old ideas are strong, they have had way more time to take root and build a place for themselves. I am doing my best. This blog is an aide in helping me convert. There is great power in honesty. There is freedom in exposure. When i hide my feelings i do so at my own expense. I can only shape my world if i am honest with those around me and that can only happen if i am honest with myself.