Jacksonville

I am in Jacksonville FL tonight. Its a scorching 72 degrees. Its so nice compared to the cold back home in Montevallo. I am a warm blooded creature. In the heat, I thrive like Alabama kudzu. I am here on business. I like using that phrase. It sounds more sophisticated than i feel, but its sort of true. I am working for ESPN as a utility. I am an assistant to everyone. We pull cables, set up cameras, gawk at the cheerleaders, and try to look as busy as possible when "the man" comes around. Its a great job and i am thankful for the work.
This particular assignment has been all new to me. This is the first time i have traveled this far with the job. I have also had the pleasure of being accompanied by three very different guys. Each one has brought a unique contribution to this trip. I have changed their names for their privacy. There is our fearless driver, Bob Sims. He is like a jetti warrior cruising down the highway zapping State Troopers with his laser guided radar detector. Basically he's Chuck Norris with a slightly darker skin tone. Then there is Rev. Richard "Dick" Calebs. He keeps us on the straight and narrow but also keeps the ladies looking our way. I think he emits natural pheromones,that once airborne, attract the female species in the surrounding area. A new acquaintance for me is Brock Peterson. He keeps things light hearted and also has these really cool x-ray glasses that we have used,on numerous occasions, to stare at the breast of women. That last part about the glasses is only half true...we stare at their asses!!!
The trip has been good. We worked hard today, we all just finished murdering some KFC and I am submitting one more blog to the universe before this year is done. I forgot to mention i am welcoming another year in with these fellows. Its kind of symbolic of how i want to live out this year....embracing diversity and staring at more asses. What more could you strive for? I have no idea what 2011 will bring. It already looks cool with those double 1's. I expect it will posses similar qualities as its older brother 2010, but i am learning that i have a lot to do with shaping my time here and i plan on making this a year of exploration. I want to push myself a little more to confront fear and old habitual thought. I want to see the impact of living life without regret and aggressively pursuing the goals that I set.
I can't really say this is my new years resolution because i have spent the better part of this year working on these ideals. I'm just clarifying in my own mind the work to be done. I am off to bed now, my new years kiss is waiting for me. I hope Brock shaved!!

Have you tried it yet?

Have you tried it yet?
Umm not yet, but i did read a book about it.
Have you tried it yet?
It just looks so hard, i dont think i can
Have you tried it yet?
Well i watched a documentary about it and i felt really inspired.
Have you tried it yet?
If i can get all this other stuff done, i will.
Have you tried it yet?
Maybe i am not cut out for this.
Have you tried it yet?
I think i would get bored fast.
Have you tried it yet?
So few people are doing it, am i special?
Have you tried it yet?
I dont have any money.
Have you tried it yet?
I am too old
Have you tried it yet?
It will take too long to finish.
Have you tried it yet?
No i havent tried it YET. I am afraid

Because you can

Young man stay out of the future. It is an illusion. Do you see these wrinkles? Do you? I picked them up one day at a time! Am i afraid to be this old you ask? No. Not at all. I am here. Just like you are there. Stop fighting yourself. Learn to control your mind so it does not sabotage your Now. How long will it take for you to stop fighting? Well to you it seems like a long time because right now you are imagining a future where you have stopped but you know that on a day to day basis its tough...its only tough because you have practiced so so little. Your skipping ahead and you are forgetting about the chain of present moments that have to link together to get you there. Anywhere! Its all in the Now friend. The future is constantly changing and there are opportunities that are aligning themselves for you without your direct contact. You cant imagine how you are lining up things with your thoughts. Your thoughts manifest the reality that you create. Thoughts make things real. What are your thoughts about? Are you aware that you are manifesting your reality (good or bad) with your thoughts? You are son. You think the term..."nothing is impossible"....is smoke up your ass? Well so do most people that's why they feel stuck. Do you want to join the chorus of voices that are complaining about being helpless? You are not helpless. If you can think it, it can happen. Live son! Be alive each day, in that day, in that hour, in that second....because you can!

Release

What is this place?

You call it earth, with a serious face

And with serious faces we feel we know

We know, we want to know, we can know

Knowing brings no relief.

But its not about knowing.

Its about "being".

We are!

The neurotic mind can rest.

Because at our best, we are.

Chase another rabbit down its hole

Go deep and try to break the circle.

Let the tears flow, breezes blow and fireflies glow

Your hands are full only when you let go.

Grind your teeth or your woman

Both are one, one are both.

You may have inherited the fight,

but its yours now to do as you please

Practice please, for my sake,

practice release

Life

Navigation through my thoughts is a challenge.

Its like wandering through the countryside.

There is a forest.

I become tangled in dense brush.

I calmly walk through clear fields.

I cross rivers.

I climb mountains.

I fall asleep under a moonless sky.

The sun comes out and warms me.

I am hungry.

Walking satisfies me.

Walking annoys me.

Where am i headed?

Why am i headed there?

I know where i am going.

I don't know where i am going.

Today i am weak.

Today i am strong.

Tomorrow i die.

We're here until we're not

We are here until we are not. We spend so much time trying to contort, control, predict, prevent, avoid situations in life. We spend time imagining futures in which we are maximizing our happiness. We are so focused on future happiness that present happiness is forfeited for lack of space in the brain. Happiness isn't our only concern. We think about future security, food, housing, health, money, sex, future everything. We live in the future. We gloss over the fact that "this moment" is full. We are sitting in the luxury of the richest nation in the world and our minds are wondering about in the slums of future negative thoughts. Or maybe we are imagining how we can add more to a life already full of excess.

Regardless of our motivation for future imaginations we cannot change the fact that we are here until we're not. Everything that happens while we are here is the "here" part...its all one thing. Every moment (seemingly good and bad) has its merit. Life should be savored because the "not" will bring about a change that will no longer allow us to process this life in the same way. Everything that is on the "not" side is a whole new adventure. Why not be here until we are not here? Fear keeps us from being here. Fear keeps us in the future, micromanaging every aspect of our life to keep us away from the "not". I don't believe in the elimination of fear, but i do believe we can become so familiar with our fear, so intimate with it, that it loses its power. This intimacy with our fear keeps us in the present. It allows us to be here.

Its all there

It is possible to be free from the confines of our mental conditioning.

It is possible to be at peace.

It's possible to feel confident about every aspect of life...every endeavour, every unknown, every mystery.

It's possible to speak to your mind the thoughts you want to think.

It's possible to possess a mastery over fear.

It's possible to become so intimate with your fears that they no longer burden your mind.

It's possible to lose attachment to the ego.

It's possible to fly with thought.

You might be thinking...yes i agree its possible, but how likely is it that i will experience those things? They are already yours. They only reason they don't "feel" like they are yours is because you haven't introduced yourself. Go ahead introduce yourself. Say hello! Make the first step in cultivating a vibrant relationship with peace. Build on that foundation until you are making love with peace. It's all there!!! It is work, practice, and sweat but it is all there, avaliable to anyone who stumbles across it.

Its all in the details

I had an epiphany about writing yesterday. I put it on an index card on my desk for inspiration. Here is the idea...

"When writing, put in obnoxious amount of detail because someone else is being invited into your mind, they can only "see" what you "write" so if you want to give them the most accurate picture possible it has to involve lots of detail. Even though the detail may seem trite for you it may not be so for the other person reading your thoughts. They cannot see the whole picture like you can, they only see what you give them."

This idea applies to verbal communication too,but with a twist. People can only respond to the information you are giving them. If its inaccurate or misleading rest assured their response will not be the one you are looking for. I truly believe almost all relationship problems are a result of one or both persons not being honest with their communication, whether or not they are conscious to that fact or not.

When either writing or talking be aware of the fact that someone else cannot see what is in your mind. You have exclusive access to information they do not have. They can only experience what you allow them to experience. This is very powerful!!

You are on my mind

I walk through the door, to catch your eye
You smile at me, I dont ask why
There's a fire inside, burning deep
I'm wide awake, i forgot to sleep

Cause you are on my mind
you are on my mind

Thoughts tell lies that my hands dont feel
What i was told was never real
Its another day in a dreamers delight
We know how to love and we love tonight

Cause you are on my mind
You are on my mind

You raised your glass and looked at me
I tried not to notice...i could'nt breath
Words came to mind but fell on the ground
I tried to pick them up but they couldnt be found

Cause you are on my mind.

Ouch!

Elusive thoughts. I caught a thought in my hand and while i wasn't quite strong enough to make it stop wiggling, i at least held it in my attention. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, its violent thrash caught me off guard and i dropped it. I scurried around in search of it; afraid of the damage it would do...but then i began to breath slowly....it slowed down...our breaths were linked... i convinced it to stop right in front of me. I picked it up again. It resisted my touch much like cold doctor hands at a checkup, but eventually it relaxed. My anxiety was its anxiety, my fear was its fear. As i held the thought in my hand i examined its body and noticed all the jagged spikes of insecurity, razor sharp teeth of doubt, and bulging muscles of frustration. I could see how this tiny creature causes so much pain...then i gently began to stroke its back and to my astonishment the spikes began to flake off revealing an iridescent skin. The more i rubbed the more mirror like its skin became to the point i could see my face. I saw myself in the thought and started smiling knowing now that it was me the whole time. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath, opened them, and i was staring at my empty palms offering up some invisible gift. The thought was gone.

sunflower

Time stood on end and spun in delight as he watched her body undulate to the rhythmic motions of his hand. Her body so firm, so delicate, so strong was bathed in a soft sunflower light. A light that managed to witness the secrets unfolding. All traditions were ignored as they yielded themselves to the beauty of being human, a reunification with their animal. Words were spoken but the two preferred to communicate with other senses...touch...taste...sight...what a sight she was....essence of woman. They say youth is wasted on the young, but these two savored every drop of vitality that is afforded to those who still see with sharp eyes. Every curve held promises of pleasure as he released himself to that unexplainable desire. She exposed the deep reservoirs of lust inside of him, she put a hummingbird in his chest for a moment, then calm. Tucked away in the warmth of her skin he settled down. Oxygen never felt so good.

Two

I have been here before. I have walked the road of the mystery of being. Each time the panic is less. However, i still must confront and even embrace these feelings. My mind is so jumbled up with different views on how life is supposed to go. I am in the process of converting my value system and the overlap can be almost unbearable at times. Its like there are two world views competing in my mind for dominance. One view i learned without any effort on my part....its the one we are all given...its the one based off of ego and fear. The other view has cost me a great deal of time and energy to discover. It is based off of awareness. When i release myself to this view my mind is at peace because i recognize the impermanence of Trent, i see that my emotions are controlled by me, i see that the external world does not determine my happiness, i self-sooth, i know i am a part of the whole and i embrace the IS. My mortality gives me courage not anxiety. I travel in and out of these views. I must admit the first view sees more action day to day. The transformation is slow sometimes. Old ideas are strong, they have had way more time to take root and build a place for themselves. I am doing my best. This blog is an aide in helping me convert. There is great power in honesty. There is freedom in exposure. When i hide my feelings i do so at my own expense. I can only shape my world if i am honest with those around me and that can only happen if i am honest with myself.

My Hand

Mystery! The Mystery of Being. What more are we but a collection of emotions, beliefs, fears, thoughts, instincts, bodies....we imagine ourselves as something great. Each person imagines his/her life as important, significant, serious, crucial to the advancement of society. Are we crucial? How can something be "great" if everything is great.

The pressure that threatens to explode in our minds every time we face new circumstances is controlled by a valve that our hand rests on. We create our reality. We could easily turn the valve (challenge our mental patterns) and allow the "problem" to flow smoothly through our lives, but we are not aware that we possess that authority. We have been taught otherwise. We have constructed a complex set of rules that tells us how the valve should be operated. Everyone has different rules. Some are governed by tradition, tragedy, abuse, religion, family, society, or a blend of them all.

The only way to know what will happen it to slightly turn the valve one day.

Different angles on common shapes

I listened as the wall clock ticked seconds away or maybe was adding them to my humble existence. They seemed to fall like Nazi bombs on London. Blitzkrieg!! I only assume this because i have been educated to think of death as the end. Maybe its just a starting point. What if there is no start or finish. What if the horses hooves never cease and they keep running around the track?

She said, "I am never fond of holidays".

I heard what she really said, "My family stresses me out".

The hairs on the back of my neck started to sway. I could read her mind. I felt every dull ache of insufficiency that roamed aimlessly in her cerebral city. Her city ranked number 4 in the universe of places not to visit while holding a loaded gun. The rats there were as large as beavers but with the attitude of a momma dragon. I closed the door.

I spent the night playing in the grass, watching the scenes change rapidly so i wouldn't get bored. Boredom is cheap, but it doesn't know when to be quiet. It finally lost its voice so i set sail for far off destinations. Only to awake without my socks. The morning brought with it a chill in the air. The front glass door was foggy and i could barely see the street. I guess it thought it could hide the fact it was cold out.

I began to type.

Clear as mud

Human communication is a complex code of masking what we really want to say with what we feel is proper to say. We are afraid of being offensive or hurtful but ultimately our deception leads to both. We also prolong bringing about the reality we desire because we are consumed with hiding our true concerns or observations.

What would life look like if people could express freely how they feel? I have been attempting this in spite of nagging fear and one idea that keeps reoccuring is....when i am honest with others they are able to address situations knowing the truth about how i feel instead of basing their decisions off of the false information i feed them. Our main insight into a persons mind is through what they say. If i am saying the opposite of what i feel then people are going to respond to that, not my true feelings. This is a vital concept when it comes to creating the reality we desire.

My only disclaimer in being honest with others is to check personal feelings for judgement, anger, fear, worry...because those words will come across as an attack and the other person will become defensive. Take a moment to allow kindness to envelop your tone and intent and it will be recieved much easier even if the subject matter is intense. Start small!

More

"Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. Non-being is the greatest joy." - Lao Tzu-

Contentment is not a highly esteemed virtue in the world around me. I am afraid to be content. I don't have much experience with it and i fear i am missing out on pleasures unknown when i choose to stop chasing after the "next".
I constantly hear a voice inside my head that says "more"!! "If you want happiness you must find more...more of everything." However, i am learning that lasting happiness is found the opposite way. It is recognizing that all external influences are processed and given value internally. We are essentially defining happiness with our beliefs. We define our entire world by what we believe. Lasting happiness isn't found its created!! I notice i am most discontent when i look outside of myself for happiness or when i attempt to peer too far into the future. The farther i get away from the "now" the greater my discontent. I become frantic but not even sure why. Then i slow down, i sit for a minute with the frantic feeling, i try to trace it to its origin and usually end up at the same places....either i borrowed others ideas on happiness, i expected it to come from outside of me, or i got lost in the future. By no means is this the origin entirely... this is usually how far back i need to go to realize i can change my feelings. I no longer feel like i have to just live with feelings i don't enjoy. Its up to me to create the ones i prefer.

Communication

Learning how to effectively communicate with other humans is a challenge we all face. I am realizing that i can use less words if i use those words correctly and honestly. Generally we fear telling others how we feel about them or situations, we fear their response, we fear how it will affect the relationship, we fear embarrassment, we fear rejection, we fear insult, we fear being wrong, we fear being alone, we fear social isolation; these are the titles, but the details of these fears are complex and unique to each person. Imagine human communication without dishonesty, without embellishments, without sarcasm, without ego, without fear. I think this type of communication is possible at the cost of losing the ego. It takes time alone with ones mind to confront the fears that generate the dishonesty. The truth comes out first to ourselves and this gives us the courage to be honest. We are a fear driven society. I would guess most of our communication is based off of fear, everything else is. Part of the fear is animal instinct and the other part is learned from our care givers at an early age. For many people fear is never questioned, it is processed and given the tragic title... "the way life is supposed to be". The motivations for fear have deep roots in our makeup as humans; to trace it back would take you all the way to a one celled organism (which may give understanding). Its been with us for a while and actually allowed us to make it to where we are today, but fear has its limits. Evolution is carrying us towards increased awareness. It is allowing us to move into a new consciousness, one that is in harmony with existence. One that embraces the IS.
Imagine communication (or life for that matter) without fear....no drama. Fear creates drama, drama is what we talk about 99.9% of the time..... the world may go mostly silent. We would discuss things without judgement, we would be in harmony with each other; almost telepathic. No identification with ego. Where are you from? Earth!!!

Things Change

Life seems so compartmentalized. I segment my life into neat little worlds that i think are so organized and understandable and then out of no where worlds blend and make new worlds and then those worlds have babies and make even newer ones....to the point it all becomes one world. And then i come full circle to an idea that i am trying to structure my life around...its just ONE. We are infinitely connected to everything.

We are not separate at all. Our feeling of separation comes from our fear. Our fear is fueled by the ego and vice versa.

At work recently our grill stopped working. The strange thing is how that one event brought about so much change. The whole kitchen shifted because of the grill deciding not to work. The microwave traded places with the blinder, the blinder invaded the espresso grinders' spot, the knives claimed new territory in the name of King Sharpness, and now everyone has a new home. And the story isn't over. The kitchen will continue to shift until there isn't a kitchen anymore, but even then the "movement" wont stop; it just keeps going. And where do i fit in to all this? I will experience constant change until i no longer have the faculties to percieve change (until i die). We would be wise to see that change IS.

Do you ever think about how much we talk? I know my character Trent Jones fairly well. He is a talker. I get exhausted listening to him sometimes. I have started encouraging him to write more instead of chatter so much. We will see how it works out.

Humans in general talk a lot. I think its because things inside their head are moving around so fast that talking is a sort of release. I think we choose talking as a release because its easy and convenient, but there are so many more interesting alternatives....writing, walking, meditating, art, music. Sometimes i am so conditioned to view those things in a certain way or give preference to talking that i miss what others are trying to express. Have you ever heard the song by John Lennon "Imagine"? He was trying to expresss something very important that would contribute to our happiness. i have listened to that song a thousand times and only yesterday heard it for the first time. He is trying to get us to see that we don't have to compete, we are all one, we all want the same things, we are the ones creating our reality. Amazing insight!

You're part of absolutely everyone and everything

Confronting Our Fears

I want to overcome fear in my life. I am afraid of a lot of things. Somethings that i am afraid of have been with me for a long time. I have noticed that most of my fears involve others opnions. And i have never really been sure of their opnions becasue it will always be my "perception" of their opnions. Wayne says, "Its none of my business what you think of me". I think he is right. Its a losing battle to try and control others opnions of us because we all see the world so differently. We are never judging with the same standard. One good reason to stop judging i guess :-)

Today i will be confronting a fear of mine. I am nervous. I have been making up all kinds of stupid scenarios where this will go bad for me. Nevertheless, it has to happen. I dont care how ugly my attempt. i am just ready to be free. I already am free, i just want my mind to see it. I want my conditioning to recogonize it. New patterns.

We are just here to be here!!!

FIRE

Its a moonless night and i am in the woods. Armed with only a cell phone for light, two beautiful ladies and heavy boots; i make my way toward our campsite. A small wave of panic washes over me as i have trouble navigating in the complete darkness, but almost on cue landmarks start to say hello. They assure me i am on the right path. They comfort me the way old friends do. If the holly bush could talk i am sure it would say, "Your doing great, just keep going". I find my destination with relative ease and begin making a fire. I have made many fires in my lifetime and it never gets old. I am genuinely amazed every time i see the sharp red, orange, and yellow consuming the wood. Fire!! I love fire! So destructive...so useful...so angry....so gentle....so painful....so comforting!!!! It has every aspect of life in it. I think it is alive.

Promise of Tomorrow

Lately i have had this feeling of being absent. I feel as if i have been watching myself. Its like i am on autopilot and the real me has taken a break and watches silently as i go through the motions of what i call my life. There is a beautiful neutrality to it all.

Moments no longer hold rain,

I yell for the sun to notice me,

but it just casually warms the earth.

Time hasn't had a second thought about my train.

When you told me your dog died,

my only words of comfort were rehearsed.

I wanted to tell you the truth,

but for your sake i lied.

You were taught how to spend your tears,

it was suggested to feel this way,

it was encouraged to speak this way,

you have done this for years.

Now the canvas is once again white,

we picked the gravel out of our wounds.

we went to sleep with the promise of tomorrow,

it just felt right

Worlds We Create

There is a direct relationship between anxiety and peering too far into the future. They are synonymous with one another. We start looking (guessing really) into the future...survival instinct tells us to expect the worst....so we do that automatically...before we know it we are deep into our thoughts feeling anxious, frustrated, fearful, lacking, and unhappy. These future based thoughts create present anxiety. In our minds we are working out game plans to avoid the "negative circumstance", but there isn't a negative circumstance....its just our creation...its our guess; a guess that is full of instinctual fear. We are combining two things that served us well over the years (thousands of year)....fear has got us this far....and our ability to predict has got us this far. Fear kept us sharp and alert to predators and our ability to predict outcomes quickly made us the top predator. However, as we have changed, these things are starting to give us psychological trouble. We are creating worlds that do not exist....not a big deal really if these worlds were not problematic and full of fear. Every future thought is an alternate world. We live most of our lives in our heads, bouncing back and forth from happy worlds to sad worlds, a world where i am king and worlds where i am ugly and rejected. Its just virtual worlds that we create. Even the "real world" is our creation or interpretation.

This is such a new concept for me and a challenge to recognize in my own life. It is easy to become absorbed in our created world...generally we think we are doing ourselves good by taking life so seriously, but we aren't living because we are preoccupied with preventing these negative worlds from becoming reality. Our obsession with prevention actually makes this negativity manifest into our present moment. In other words, we bring about all the negative we're trying to avoid because we think about it constantly.

what is really going on?

What is really going on? Nothing. The longer i live the more this theme reoccurs.

What am i doing here? Existing. This isnt terrribly difficult to do.

What is the truth? Everything. It all depend what eyes we use to look at something with.

Sometimes i get lost in my world. The one i created.

The world where i adopted others rules, other peoples measurements.

I am afraid most of the time in this world.

Everything is sharp and jagged.

I feel pain from mere words.

I fight to keep my position.

I am replaced no matter what.

Then i wake up!

I was in a dream! Dreaming

A dream i mistook as my only option.

Its all fantasy.

We create our reality with our thoughts.

We breath life into our dreams.

We light up fast and burn down slow.

open your eyes,

you might miss the flame

Keep'm closed, trust me

It all plays out the same

Crums feed me from the big table,

they keep me

i drink what others spill

I cant give you what you already have,

you'll know when you've had your fill.

I've just been robbed

I was robbed yesterday. I went to look for something in my friends van and noticed tons of stuff missing. There were clothes missing, a backpack, shoes, and who knows what else. It was just gone. I played the game. My mind went to all the places it thought it was supposed to go....anger, fear, hurt, vengence, insecurity....and on and on. After about 30 minutes of playing the game....i stopped....i calmed down....put things into perspective and had control once again on my emotions accepting the fact that those things were gone. I used all my jet eye training to overcome my monkey mind. I was back at peace.

So Andy and I began to theorize just how someone could get into a locked van....so he goes to the back door and opens it up and says, "They probably went thru here, but wait there is all this stuff in the way". Well that stuff ended up being the "stuff" that i thought was missing. It was there the whole time. My little sister had moved it so she could play in the van. All my fears were self inflicted. Then we realized that even if the stuff would have really been gone my fears were still self inflicted. No matter what the circumstance...i still had a choice about how i wanted to feel about something. This world is not messed up, our lives are not problematic, we create all the energy behind circumstance, which in turn affects our peace.

Our greatest obstacle is conditioned responses that are programed into our brain. We react certian ways to things because we learned to do so. Awareness helps us see alternatives and gives us the insight to choose differently.

Nothing is missing! Go back to what is already there and rest!!

Day 18

Well my mediation practice has hit a few road blocks. I haven't sat down and practiced in 3 days now. Things i think convince me to not sit down: 1) i have more important things to do, 2) I don't have time, 3) its boring, 4) i am not getting anywhere, 5) It doesn't have any impact on my day. If i was paying attention i would see that these are the things everyone faces....there is a pattern of lies here.

I know all these things to be untrue, yet they really do influence my mood towards meditation. These and other conditioned responses are very present in my life. Sometimes i have enough awareness to talk back to these ideas, other times i just give in. And actually meditation is a practice that increases awareness to help recognize the negative thoughts. Meditation strengthens us to keep us from getting swept away by these lies. So today i shall get back on the "awareness horse" and see what happens :-)

When you become aware that your mind has wandered....Return to what is already there and rest!!!!

Quiet Mind

Two weeks ago I began an unofficial study on meditation. Armed with a really cool book from Books a Million and plenty of free time; i started down a new road for me. I set out to find a quiet mind. What i have found so far is a loud mind full of fear. I have found a mind that is conditioned to react to life wildly and blindly. I have found a mind who is insecure; constantly bringing every experience back to his self worth. This is the undisciplined yet highly fertile mind i have been observing. I have been trying to do so non-judgementally with some degree of success. Although at first glance all these things sound negative, i have found that i have an overall sense of peace about it all. I don't associate myself with my mind. My worth does not come from thinking. My worth is a constant that has remained the same and will remain the same for as long as i am in this skin suit. Through observation i am waking up! I am waking up to the fact that i am the one who is determining how i feel about life, what something means to me, what success means, what i am responsible for in life, and ultimately what my purpose is as a human. With this awareness comes peace and power. More than anything it gives me the power to change things i don't like or enjoy...things that i have been conditioned to think that are out of my control. And in some cases its only my perspective that needs to change in order to find peace in a situation.

I am excited to see what other observations i discover through meditation. I plan to document things as they come.

Why am i here?

Why am i here? Humans are the only animal who consider this a valid question. I think other animals just know. Lately it has been a question i have tried to ponder for my own life. I feel like i already know the answer to this question but i haven't began to understand it until now. Why am i here?....To be!!!! Sounds simple but it clicked for me reciently. My purpose for being on this earth is.... to be on this earth. As of right now i cannot see any exterior reason or aspiration that can give meaning to my life. My life is meaningful because i exist. This sounds simple and feels obvious but the implications i think are lost on people. We hear this and maybe agree, but we rush right back to defining our value with achievement, stuff, relationships and because all those things pass in and out of our hands we stay on the undulant path of discontentment. "Change" is constantly affecting those aspects of our lives. Our value rises and falls like the stock market.

How does this apply to daily life? When we feel purpose is a constant and not something to chase after, life stops being problematic. We are fulfilled entering into the things we love not scratching and scraping for validation. Its kind of like the idea of a dog chasing his tail. Its already his, always been with him, once he realizes its going to be there; he is free to pursue other things. Our minds are conditioned to feel we must seek out a reason for being here. We must have a higher purpose, something that compels us to greater heights. Do we really need that? And if so what could possibly give that to you? Some have suggested God, sex, money, drugs, family and countless other promising formulas, but nothing can give us what we already have...Purpose is!!

Death Proof

I am back home after my two month stay in Orange Beach, Alabama and it was a wild ride getting here. I left Friday afternoon at 3:00pm because i was waiting to pick up my last check. I was a bit anxious for having to leave so late. I like to get going if i know i have a long way to travel, but i chose to wait on the check. My day was filled with reminiscing over our time in the beach condo and all the experiences we had discovered there. I went for a walk to the mega-towers to work out and i played the mandolin. Eventually 3 rolled around and i picked up my check. Things are looking good and i finally make it Interstate 65. The golden road that would lead me home. Well the golden road proved too much for my right rear tire so he decided he was done supporting the van. I hobbled over to the shoulder and began delicate surgery on the beast. I panicked for the first 30 minutes running negative scenarios through my mind. Then i began to talk back to the thoughts. I soon discovered that all my tire changing equipment was less than adequate. I called 911. They didn't mind my tiny emergency and hooked me up with a local policeman. He came...did his best...but still couldn't get the tire changed safely. Finally we called the professional tire changer guy and he worked his magic. Done! $80 later!! It was well worth it though. I made it home around 12am, exhausted, but glad to be greeted by my beautiful family.

Honestly i just want to be honest!!!

I have been exploring the world of honesty lately and i have found it to be quite a challenge. For the first time in my life i am seeing exactly how dishonest i am with friends and others. I have noticed i generally tend to make every effort to avoid conflict in my relationships. I imagine what i think would cause conflict and i avoid that instead of diplomatically expressing what i truly feel. This doesnt occur in everything, just in the areas i am insecure. Being honest doesnt mean i have to be an asshole with expressing my true feelings, but i usually feel like one because i may rub against the grain of the other person. Some where in my conditioning by society i learned to value what people thought of me, in fact, i go to great lengths to try and control how people percieve me. I do certian things to get them to respond in a way that causes me to feel the most valuable (really its my cultures definition of value). Funny thing is i can never control every opnion all of the time. I don't think this observation is anything negative about myself...i dont view it as a problem...it has its consequences like all things but i see a better way for me personally to operate. Honesty!!! Honesty brings about the things we truly desire and gives an accurate picture of our mind to other people. People can only respond to the infomation we give them, unless they are slightly enlightened and read through the bullshit. I am watching all this happen to me. I am aware that i tend to be dishonest with myself in order to gain the approval of others. I am watching this burn away! I can see it dying. My goal is to be slightly more honest. The true challenge is being honest with myself and being aware of when i go to my conditioning for guidence instead of just being me. This blog is honest today. It feels awkward to express all of this so rawly in a public forum. I have been taught to hide all this. Dont let people know you think this way...you look weak!!! (Again, one more bit of conditioning a fear based society has helped me agree to) Well the only way to get strong is recogonize your weak and begin to train, but this isnt a weakness its awareness!!

New Beginnings are Old Endings

I was laid off yesterday from my BP Oil Spill job. Instead of being disappointed or frantic; i was very relieved. For a full 2 months now Josh and I have sweated it out in the scoarching Gulf Coast sun. We worked hard sometimes and other times we worked hard at not being bored. I have witnessed babies being born, birthdays, drownings, hangovers, firings, and all other manner of drama you could imagine. This job has taught me a great deal about the human ego, our desire to control each other, our quest for power...thinking money equals power. And i guess it does equal power if that is how you decide to set up the rules and values in your dream. Through out the course of this job, i did get swept into the money race or power race, but i am finding its easier to slip out now. I am slowly getting the relationship between what i "think" and what i "do" and then how i "feel". They are all directly attached to one another. I am very thankful for having experienced the entirety of this job; the seemingly "good" and the seemingly "bad". I learned patience, i learned to be flexible when things change (and things always change). This job was life fast forwarded. Change came up like a thunderstorm....little warning and fast. It caught me off guard often. And then other times i just sought shelter in my mind and waited it out. Then i realize i created the thunderstorm...change was just neutral information that had nothing to do with me until "I" decided what it had to do with me! ha ha And this is my new hobbie...getting better at recognizing that i am the one putting all the feeling and emotions in my life. I am beginning to see my creations and shaping them....fun and freeing.

Hurry up and wait

I forget to breath sometimes. I forget that things change. I forget that i will die one day. I am like a baby. I feel like i am starting all over in life. I am learning how to apply new philosophies. I am making tons of mistakes and loving it. I fail to meet my own standards sometimes, but then i am reminded that they are my standards. I can hold myself accountable how ever i wish. I am learning to create the inside of my mind. I am reclaiming lost territory. It was never really lost i just didnt believe i owned it. I am learning to be patient. There is no hurry!!!!

Humans are containers for food

Since i have been here at the beach, food has taken a new priority in my life. I find myself thinking about it more often than usual. Maybe its because i am red lining on my starving meter by the time i get home from work, but more than likely its because i am cooking for myself instead of momma's home cooking. Either way, food is on my mind. This new preoccupation of mine has inspired me to look for new reciepies. I have been recieving daily cullinary lessons from my friends at work. Billy the Kid, a supervisor, is a crock pot expert. I am actually cooking a Billy dish tonight...sweet potatoes and pork tender loin. He also gave me this ''mango tango salmon'' recipe that will forever be one of my favorite dishes.

Food is so vital. Food represents so much to us human or any animal for that matter. We truly are what we eat. We are what we drink. We are what we read. We are what we speak. We are what we think!!!! That last one, i feel, is the most true out of all those. Our minds are a virtual world that we create. We , knowingly or unknowingly, are shaping every aspect of our lives. We are artists painting the picture that we want to see. Do you like your picture? No? Change it. Yes? Share it.

Oil Spill

So i find myself on another adventure! Josh and i decided to head south to Gulf Shores, Alabama to work on the BP oil spill. We are offically a month into our job and loving it. Its such a crazy scene here. BP has hired private contractors to clean up the oil that is gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I work for one of those contractors. We work 7 days a week 12 hours a day. I have never in my life attempted to work that much. As a result, i have a little cash now. The job pays great and keeps me so busy i cant spend any money!! I was recently made a supervisor over a small crew of about 30 men and women. All i can say is, its not easy to lead people yet there are things that make it way easier.

I have learned the ego is a huge factor when trying to motivate someone. There is a sense of insecurity already there just because you hold a position "higher" than your employees. There is resentment, there is jealousy, there is fear, and each one of those "problems" needs to be addressed with humility as a leader. I have learned so much from this position.

I am not sure what i will do next. We have talked about going to mexico, south florida, but really anywhere on this planet is ok with me. Its all an adventure.

Pleasure, Pain, and all things in between

Andy, Ryan, and i completed our fourth annual "Awareness Walk" from Montevallo to Birmingham yesterday. I think we figured it is about 45 miles in all. Today i feel every one of those miles in my legs. I must admit we started out slow and apprehensive; getting up at 4:30 is a challenge but as the day progressed we gathered momentum. We even ran the last few miles (paying for that one though). In total it took us somewhere in the neighborhood of 16 hours.
This is the first trip we were intentional about doccumenting. We took turns with the video and pictures, but andy for sure carried the lions share of the work.
This trip was probably the best so far. We spent a good bit of time speaking to people. One thing we did was to ask people random questions, nothing serious, just random questions. We got some great answers!! We drank beer under bridges, we invented stories about people we saw on political signs (April Weaver), we went to three differnt Publix to get food and wine, we swam naked in a lake by the mall, we all got blisters, we got drunk under Vulcan, we found some cool trash (panties, cd's, swim goggles, gloves). We got hollared at several times. Someone called us "hippy fags" others said "you guys are soooooo cool". We all hit a wall of pain and kept pushing till the end. We encouraged one another. We lived a full day doing exactly what we wanted!!!!! We lived a full day!!! We lived!!!
We forget how simple life can be, how beautiful the details are, and how there is no pressure on us except what we create! I look back on this trip and i feel a sense of accomplishment. I can see how the power of intention (not expectation) can bring about the amazing things we each desire. I think i am going to go rest my blisters now!!!

These last two dollars...i'm not gonna lose!!

Well I am writting this blury eyed having just got back from an all night casino trip in mississippi at Silver Star Resort. Woah!! It was a surreal experience from the moment i stepped on to the bus in piggly wiggly parking lot. Our bus driver was Curtis...a thick black man with a gold front tooth that liked to let the ash on his cigarette get 4 inches long before flicking it...i kept thinking it was gonna land in his coffee. I was sitting in the back of the bus with my pops and soon we began to have a reverse Rosa Parks moment. As we started picking people up i noticed a certian trend happening...it was all black women between 50-60 getting on. I started imagening myself in a Tyler Perry movie. We killed the 3 hour ride by getting drunk off New Castle and Tangueray gin. This heavy set black lady just handed me the bottle and said " Get u sum baby"! I was buzzing hard core when we got there.
The Choctaw Indian reservation in Philidelphia mississippi changed my life (I guess anything can change your life if you are paying attention to how it affects you). We got there and started playing our 45 dollars of "free money". Pretty much lost it in about thirty minutes. I never understood what the machine was doing. Pops hits the roulette table and Tom and I head to the black jack table. I wiggled in between a black dude that looked like he was on meth and an italian dude making some big bets. I handed the lady a fifty and she handed me the equivilent in $5 chips. I was on my way. Things were going well... at one point my stack was about 8 inches tall but i dont know how much money that was cause Tom said dont count your money at the table....you'll get apprehensive. Well things shifted quickly....the dealer began taking my money...i almost suggested that she start taking bites out of my arm instead of the $10 minimum i was tossing out each time. Seems like that would have hurt less. The rest of the night continued in that pattern for me. I made it home with no loss of blood but my bank account is gonna need a transfusion.
Observations:
over half the staff was indian (and over weight)
the majority of the people there looked desperate
the majority of the people were over 50
i associate myself with my money...it really felt like i lost value as i lost money
dont get drunk then gamble--gamble....win....then get drunk
dont bring a debit card
leave expectation at home

One consciousness

I was talking with some friends last night about dreams....it was so interesting to hear how we all dreamed similarly. We talked about alarm clocks finding there way into our dreams and becoming vacuum cleaners or huge bells that some kids were pulling the rope on. Then we talked about peeing in our beds because we imagined being at the toilet. Then the realization hit us how connected we all are...we all saw the connection...it was like we were the same consciousness experiencing the same dream. I felt a huge sense of peace as we came to the realization and it only increased as i considered what it means. I do believe we share a common consciousness...our egos tell us that we are separate and we must fight to secure our importance in this life...but our dreams betray our ego....they tell us that we are One. As i encountered people the rest of the night i couldn't help but think that really "they" are "me"...."i" am "them". I felt judgement melt off of my shoulders...judging someone was judging myself. I saw insecurity scurry under a table...how can you feel insecure when see yourself as One....there is no one to compare yourself to. I felt kindness become my main emotion. This human experience is an illusion....we are only separate from each other in form, not consciousness. This illusion of separation causes us stress, anxiety, and fear...causes us to judge each other...fight for the best position...think too much, worry too much, ....all that disappears when we see that we are One. Its not magic its awareness...consciousness becoming conscious of itself.

Nameless

Let go of my ego!! i loved those waffle comercials (eggo waffles). For real though...let go of my ego. i have been attempting here lately to distinguish in my mind what exactly is an ego. I must admit its not the easiest thing in the world to identify because we are so mingled with it. I am learning that there is freedom from thought (ego) by being present and still. I am learning that thinking is a biological process like breathing and pumping blood, my lungs breath because that is there job, my heart pumps blood because that is its job, my mind thinks because that is its job. I am not my thoughts. i am seperate from this body, yet i am this body. My sense of controlling this body is imaginary, yet real. Any value i associate with this body is ego based. There is no value on something that is invaluable. I am part of everything. i am an extension of the Source, the nameless entity that makes up everything!!!

Capturing our red birds

This morning i stepped outside to smoke a cigarette in the warm Alabama sun. The weather is amazing today. i was contemplating why we tend to gravitate towards thoughts that cause us pain. Thoughts of the future that cause us to feel inadequate, thoughts that remind us of what we dont have, thoughts that point out our percieved "lack". Then i saw this amazing red bird. The sun was hitting her just right to make her feathers glow a brilliant red. Her beak was a bright orange surrounded by a mysterious black face. She was sexy, dangerous, and on fire. My only thought after the inital amazment passed was "how can i capture her?" I want her!!! I want to be able to look at this bird every day of my life till i die!!
Well, i saw the answer to my first question shortly after i realized that to capture this bird would be a sin. I also fast forwarded two months when the new of the red bird wore off and it became a pet instead of a sexy, dangerous, firey bird. Our pain thoughts originate somewhere in the imbalance of desire for things to remain constant. We resist change!! Then all we can think about is the imagined saddness of loss. So we worry, buy insurance, cage birds, stratigize how to keep a woman, build monuments. Subconciously our brain has been trained to go this way and as a result we hang out in sense of discontent. Sure we fight it by staying busy, but could it be eliminated if we fought it by not resisting change? What if we welcomed change as a friend? What if we gave ourself permission to leave behind good things? One reason we dont is because we expect worse things to come from the unknown future. Why? Risk management i guess. We are afraid of the unknown, but as i look back my life is really kinda balanced. I have left behind good things only to recieve way better things, i have also left behind good things only to recieve worse things. Its about even. I tend only to remember the times when it was worse. So today i will not be contemplating a trap for the red bird. I will just enjoy the memory of being lucky enough to see it on fire this morning. Likewise, i want to start to become aware that if i am feeling discontent its probably because i am holding on too tightly to something and resisting its freedom to change.

Paul Boyd

I have a friend who is a quadropoligic. His name is Paul Boyd. He and i reciently had an adventure together. Paul has decided to go back to school, as if getting his bacholors wasnt amazing enough. He needed to take the graduate entrance exam and he needed a person to bubble in his answers. Since i turned pro-bubbler last year he gave me a call. Its always interesting hanging out with him, i never quite know what i will be getting into.
Pretty much when we are together i become his hands and feet. I feed him, i scratch his head, i dial phone numbers, i open doors, i raise the chair lift, i drive the van, i give him sips of Mt. Dew.
I like doing all that stuff because it reminds me how fortunate i am. Paul helps me savor my life. The entire day was a reminder to not waste my life. My defination of a wasted life is this....doing anything that does not bring me a sense of accomplishment! I could expound on that defination a bit but really it comes down to being intentional with my time. I get to make up what is important to me and whatever that is... i want to spent time focusing on that. Paul is the perfect example.
I watch Paul create for himself the things he wants through intention and perserverance and he cant even walk. What can i do with two strong legs and two strong arms?

Creamos nuestra realidad (we create our reality)

This has been an intensely reoccuring theme here lately. Everytime i am compelled to throw myself a pity party, everytime i want to play victim, everytime i cast a judgement...not long after i experience the sobering reality that i am creating the whole thing. I am customizing all the emotions, i am giving birth to feelings....its like i twist the knob increasing power or decreasing power depending on what i believe about _______! The reason i see this is because of the huge varience of importance people place on things. Each person is deciding (or been conditioned) how they view life.
I went to a rodeo last night. I was looking for my friends in the stands and caught myself being captivated by the other people there. They were all in their own world.....some on their cell, a dad tending to a baby, kids watching the animals, teenagers staring into their lovers eyes. Everyone had an agenda, everyone was measuring and remeasuring themselves according to a standard...their standard. We are making "these rules" up or either we are agreeing to someone elses rules....either way we own them. We are deciding everything all the time but somehow we are very unconcious to this idea. We react, we blame others, we depend heavily on our past to tell us what to feel, we deflect responsibility whenever possible, but true empowerment starts when we own our lives, emotions, and actions.
We begin to create what we want instead of expecting it to fall from the sky. Things happen the way we want because we become intentional with our time. We channel our energy (which is very very powerful) in such a way that we CREATE.

Great book recomendation

I am reading the greatest book ever written...The Power of Now. I cant really describe the impact it has had on my mind but lets just say there is no going back....i will never view my life in the same way from this point on...i may choose to revert back to old ideals but i will still have the knowledge of something else. That "something else" is the freedom gained when we live in the NOW.

The author explores all the issues that arise when we "become our mind". We are not our thoughts. Our thoughts are mutations of a dead past and an imaginary future...neither having any real impact on the moment. Yet we have so identified our self with our thoughts that it is difficult to separate from them. This union creates an ego, which takes us on a journey of fear....the ego fears death. To guard against death the ego creates some really destructive systems to cope with the inevitable (jealousy, fear, anger, worry, insecurity,etc) And we live in these systems with momentary relief that comes when circumstance meets our approval (which is rare).

True relief can be found by simply being in the now....just being! He points out that we are in an unconscious state of mind when we are controlled by our thoughts. We can shift from unconsciousness to consciousness simply by becoming a "watcher". We begin to listen, without judgement, to our thoughts. This wakes us up from the nightmare and we begin to see that nothing is wrong! We created all the drama!!!

the security of knowing our insecurities Part two

A fan of ElectricMilk raised an interesting point in a comment on Part 1 with regard to insecurities being good or bad. Let the record stand that i believe insecurites are for the most part negative influences in our lives, however, i believe they stem from primal instincts that once helped us to survive. Those instincts kept us alive long enough to develop insane mental capacity and now they are somewhat no longer needed (until survival is threatened again...then we'll be glad they are around) Looking at the animal world, emotions like jealously, greed, fear, anxiety, anger....actually keep the strong animals alive and ensure they reproduce with other strong animals. The difference is they dont (not that i am aware of) lay in their bed all night feeling depressed or carry those emotions very far into the future....we do. I think they have limited imiginations keeping them from going too far with survival emotions. We, on the other hand, have developed very complex imiginations that respond to any stimuli we give them. I think this is where insecurities are born! Everyone is insecure because it is easy...its instinctual (literally). It takes disipline, education, concentration, and time to overcome insecurities. I think knowing this about our insecurites helps us to forgive ourselves for being insecure...we are only products of species evolution. In a way, knowing this removes the guilt we feel for being insecure and lets us make peace with the demon. We can begin to understand ourselves instead of fight ourselves. I am not my enemy and nothing inside my brain is my enemy...if something is giving me problems...it is probably because i dont understand its purpose or origin. We tend to fear what we dont understand!!! Another instinct kicking in....lets be afraid until we figure out if this is friend or foe...we default with foe so we dont DIE!!!

The security of knowing our insecurities Part 1

I constantly have to remind myself that there is no arrival point when exploring my conciousness. We never stop growing!! I have been experiencing some recient growing pains as i try to sort thru my insecurities as a human. The deeper i dig into my mind the more i realize the expansiveness of my insecurities. As soon as i think i have them contained another root emerges and leads to another tree of anxiety that can be very uncomfortable sometimes.
I am slowly getting a grasp on what insecurites are. Insecurity is our attempt to avoid the pain caused by life and others by creating mental copeing systems. The types and sources of insecurities are endless and the way they manifest themselves into "our actions" is extremly varried. Insecurity is tricky because it really means well. By that i mean, its intention is to protect us from getting hurt. The problem with insecurities are they are not flexible...they do not adapt to different situations. They become our default method of handling all high risk situations (situations where our ego might get hurt). Our inability to adjust is what gets us hurt. I am not placing all the blame on poor old insecurity...when we get hurt emotionally be assured it is a very complex blend of ego, instinct, past experience, and fear that causes us to percieve hurt. I say ''Percieve" hurt because that is all it is...our perception. We cant get hurt...we choose(unknowingly) to get hurt because our ego percieves a threat or our insecurites kick in. And there is nothing wrong with this reaction at a base level, survival level. It is an instinct that has allowed us to exist this long, but we are poor masters of our powerful brains. Either because of laziness or lack of evolution we allow our minds to control us.

to be continued....